Emotions

It has been one week since I received my new diagnosis.  I think I have been through every emotion possible in that time frame.

At first I was incredibly devastated.  I cried through the majority of the doctor’s appointment, the trip home and into that evening.  My face burned on my TN side every time a tear ran down.  That day was a day that I needed to cry for myself.  I knew that I had to get it out and be sad.

The next day was still pretty hard.  People had lots of questions that I had to answer multiple times.  My sarcasm was right on point that day (my coping mechanism).  My coworkers were great, they made me laugh throughout the day and tried to keep my mind off everything.  I googled the shit out of Trigeminal Neuropathic Pain just to find minimal information.  Next I turned my searches to Anesthesia Dolorosa, which I knew better than to do, but I had to.  I’m one of those type A personalities that much have all the answers so I can plan out every little detail, even though life rarely goes as I planned.  This is scary stuff, especially if I’m only at the beginning.

Over the next few days my husband and I talked about how all of this could affect our family and life in general.  The medicines I take make me a zombie and slow me down mental so much.  Our goal is to get my pain level down to an annoying but tolerable level where I can still function.  I want to be able to deal with the pain at a level I am really good at hiding it so the kids don’t realize mommy is hurting.  That is probably the saddest part for me right now.  They are troopers though.  Both of them have witnessed some of my attacks and my daughter will just hug me and ask if it makes it better.

I’ve been angry.  I’ve asked who did I piss off bad enough to deserve this.  I’ve always been told growing up that every thing happens for a reason.  I’m really questioning if that is true.  Surely I was not meant to suffer with ungodly pain every day for the rest of my life.

I was dreading telling my boss the extent of my diagnosis not because of what I was afraid she would say but more so that I was more disappointed with myself because I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am.  She is and will always be my cheerleader.  She reminded me to just stay positive and take one day at a time.  I have lofty career goals that I still hope and will achieve.  I’m not ready and I will never be ready for this to completely keep me from working and doing what I love.

I’ve made it my goal to laugh every single day.  Not to dwell on what I cannot change, even on bad pain days when the meds don’t work.  Spend as much time with everyone I love as much as possible.  Live my life like nothing has changed.  Because as of now nothing has changed.  I may not get worse and I pray every day that I do not.  Always remember to take one day at a time.  Just because I may have a bad pain day today, does not mean that tomorrow will be the same.

I refuse to sink.

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