So I am now currently on week 2 of being heavily medicated and I’m still not at my full dose yet. How I manage to function I still have yet to figure out. The past week has been relatively pain… lessened… I think is the best way to describe it. I have had some minor pain but nothing like I had been dealing with. I walk around most days feeling completely drunk without the joys of actually drinking. I had 2 days that I felt completely like my old self again. No body knew how to handle me because it had been so long since they saw my over the top happiness and better than normal sarcasm. I was elated….and then it came to a crashing halt yesterday. I woke up feeling as if my cheek was being crushed by an elephant and someone was stabbing me repeatedly in my ear.
How could I be on so much medication and still feel this pain? What happened to the happiness I felt? Why do I hurt again? Please don’t mean this was the beginning of the worsening already. I’m not ready. I have goals. My family needs me. Ok McKenna, you must get out of bed and make it to work. Just keep putting one step in front of the other.
I made it to work yesterday, made it through conference calls and trying to put on my strong face for everyone. And then I broke. In the middle of my office I was crying, my face was hurting and I was wondering how in the hell I am supposed to keep going when I feel so bad. Once again all of those thoughts from the morning plagued my brain. I had several great birdies tell me that it’s just one day, today is only one day and that tomorrow may be different. Do not lose hope on ONE day. They were right. I went on with the rest of my day in pain, but I did it. I made it to my daughter’s skating class and I stood there bundled up with continuous ear pain, but I did it.
Today I woke up at 2:33am in pain. I made it a conscious effort to tell myself that yes there is pain, but today is a new day. I drank an entire pot of coffee, had some orange and lemon essential oils diffusing in my car on the ride to work and I decided that no matter how I feel today that I overcame yesterday. I made it one more day. Today is painful, but it is nowhere near the pain of yesterday. My strength and positivity will carry me through and I have my little birdies to help remind me when I need that extra push. I have a long journey ahead of me, but it is one that is filled with lots of laughs, memories and sarcasm. I will always have days that are filled with pain, sometimes more than others. But that is it, just one day. If I keep looking at life and this journey I have been given as one day and reminding myself that I can always rise up and conquer the next, then I will always have the strength to do so.