Trust your gut!

As I said in the last post, I honestly just felt over medicated.  I had reached out to Dr. Casey and explained to him how I felt horrible all the time again but it was different than my traditional shocks and stabs.  This pain was more constant, achy, nagging and was on the inside as opposed to located on my face.  Dr.  Casey said it sounded like I was experiencing some residual pain in my pain matrix.  Basically just pain that my brain “remembered”  UGHHHH.

We stopped the Dilantin because at this point it was not doing any good and by now I had already weaned myself off the Gabapentin.  He said this pain is harder to treat but it is possible.  Some people are able to be treated with medication and others do require additional surgery.  I was started on Ativan and Cymbalta to help my brain “cope” and hopefully forget the pain.

Let me just say this… CYMBALTA SUCKS ASSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the first few days I felt great and then I started feeling blah again.  Almost 2 weeks to the day I became suicidal.  It was the worst possible feeling I’ve ever had.  Not just thinking about doing it, my brain was trying to do it.  I was sitting at work and all I could think about was how can I get out of my body fast enough?? I didn’t want to be in me any longer.  I was scared, terrified.  I remember thinking that I need help.  If I didn’t get help, it would my last day.   I left work and by the grace of God made it to my doctor’s office.  I ran in the door with tears pouring out of my eyes.  They immediately pulled me back and I screamed “I WANT TO DIE!!!”  I was hysterical.

The staff at my doctor’s office is amazing.  They were able to get me to calm down and talk me down and realize that it was all the medication.  I knew that, well the sane part of me did, but my brain kept telling me otherwise.  That day, I stopped Cymbalta immediately.  Withdraws suck ass, even though it was only two weeks.  I cannot imagine trying to come off that medication after a longer period of time.  It took me a week before I finally started feeling normal again.  I love that I have a NP that I can call or text and she is able to talk me through things.  She helped me out over the next week, along with my friends and family to regain control over my brain again.

Mental health is serious stuff, whether it’s disease or medication related.   You are never alone no matter how your “brain” makes you feel.  Please if you feel hopeless reach out to someone.  Call the suicide hotline (800) 273-8255.  Call a friend or family member.  If you are starting a medication that changes how your brain functions make sure that you have someone close to you that can watch for the slightest of changes in your personality or habits.

I knew that day I didn’t really want to die.  I have my family, friends and my job that I love so much.  I have people that depend on me.  I didn’t want to leave them.  The crazy part was in that moment, none of that mattered.  I couldn’t think about anything other then escaping from my body.  Thinking back now I am very lucky to have made it to my doctor’s office alive.  I left there alive and my family and friends keep me alive every day.  Trigeminal, Geniculate and Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia are hard enough to live with everyday and tax my mental health without the side effects of medication.  I share this hoping that someone, somewhere can read this and know they are not alone.  This disease is horrid and if I can help at least one person, then I understand that everything I deal with has a greater purpose.

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